John Waters
A Date With John Waters

New Line Records 2007

By Sticky Rice

At first, listening to it, you’re like, okay, cute. But waking up to it in the morning before shipping off to work is like having a fucked up emotional nightmare caress your ears. Tina Turner’s blood curdling voice on “All I Can Do is Cry” featuring Ike made me hock up the green stuff in-between the throat area that you can’t really describe [Ed note: phlegm?]. I now understand why she was consistently tossed into an ER for “exhaustion.” It’s like being thrown down beautiful stairs.

Mink Stole’s “Sometimes I Wish I Had a Gun”: She dyed her pubes and all is gold from the Mink Stole.  Edith Massey’s very awkward performance on “Big Girls Don’t Cry” makes me wish there was a music video. Instead,  I keep dreaming that my 8th grade lez-ish bus driver is singing “In Spite of Ourselves” in the moonlight, on top of her school bus, to her manlier side with the chin hairs – sort of like the beginning of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2.

“If I Knew You Were Comin' I'd've Baked a Cake” is so whitey it hurts, but in that rewardingly sadistic way, where your gums throb and all you can do is pick at them. And you know it’s bad, but you like the taste of your own blood.  [And how about that word “I’d’ve”?] John Waters first audio date with himself puts into perspective Soul vs. White People. Who is the victor? White, horny people who will do anything at whatever cost and black influenced music where the emotion is so real that you’re ripping your hair out like the Polaris scene in Uncanny X-Men #431, screaming “Why!! Mama, WHY!!??”

Random press kit excerpt: Where do you want to take John Waters on Valentine’s Day?
Answer: Somewhere that the Cubans aren’t making my sushi.

 I finally loaned this CD to someone in yet another attempt at unrequited love. It was as useless as those Power Rangers or Randy Savage Valentine’s cards we’d fold in half and give to school crushes and buddies, but still worth it.

This discourse of A Date With John Waters is written by Sticky Rice for ignore Magazine, copyright 2007 .