My first serious boyfriend lasted for two years. Not only did he try to stop me from going to college, he also cheated on me. One time he threw me up against a fence by my throat (it felt like a kiss). When we broke up, I decided that it was going to be a while before I got myself into anything too serious. If not for him, I might not have chosen my career in spreading a message of free love.

I come across a lot of boys during my travels across the world, but really they all fit into one stereotype or another. Here are a few of my recent favorites:

The Baby

Young guys rule because they haven’t gotten jaded. They are still shy and sweet and believe in true love. I believe in love too! We were meant to be! Oh wait, I’m only in town for a few days. (Sigh)

The Foreign Escape

There are countries in Europe that are covered in flowers where people greet each other with three kisses. You often meet a total babe who offers you “a life” with him in his abode complete with rose garden. Should I move? Oh wait, I'm only in town for a few days.

The Old Friend

Everyone has the old friend, the one you constantly confessed all of your boyfriend problems to. One day, you make out. You finally realize that you guys were really meant to be all along. Except for his stupid girlfriend who has to call and ruin the moment. Everyone hates her anyway.

The DJ/Model/Band Hottie

So cute. But so stuck up. But SO CUTE, but SOOOO stuck up. But so cute! What the hell! I’m only in town for a few days.

So, why ask for my advice? Well, I have seen it all. I’ve dated everyone from my boss to my intern, from the opening band to the headliners, from the pretty boys to the ruff and tumble. Hell, I’ve probably even dated your boyfriend. I’ve been wined and dined. I’ve been robbed and stranded (in Hialeah!).

Are these terms for what girls wear? Is it how girls do their hair down there? Maybe it’s how many guys, how many times, how many bruises on those thighs? “Ain’t nuthin’ but a hootchie mama” implies that we like to fuck around. “Shake whatcha mamma gave ya” has us putting it on public display. To some, being slutty is based entirely on the number of guys or girls (or both) that you’re currently doing. Well, as some of you might know, I’ve been riding the same hottie forever, and now we’re married.

Sorry boys, this grade-A top choice beef is off the market. Does this mean my days of slutting it up are passed me? Um, HELL NO! Ladies and gents, tops and bottoms, I’m here to tell you that you can be a whore for that one special someone, in fact you or your mate will need to step it up to a whole new level to keep shit hot. In the pop-up window for our column, you can ask Avenue D’s sexpert advice. Meanwhile, here are Daphne D’s top five rules to get and keep the lifelong lover of your dreams.

Rule #5: Don’t Get 2 D 2 F

Rule #4: Have a Good Pick-Up Line.

You: [In a pissed off tone] Did you just touch my butt?!

Guy: Uh, no.

You: [in a sassy tone] Why the fuck not!

[then start making out on the dance floor ASAP]

Rule #3: “Listen to your heart when it’s calling for you."

Rule #2: Hoes Before Bros (or bros before hoes depending on what is in your pants).

Duh, right? Nothing is more important than friends, friends who will always have your back, and tell you the truth even when it hurts. For example, when Debbie and I were in high school (like last week) I was seeing this guy, let’s call him Brian. It was nothing serious but we were together.

Debbie being the awesome friend she is found out that this looser was seen making out with some hoe at the Dade County Youth Fair! So, of course she tells me and I’m pissed, but instead of letting me wallow, she helped me come up with a plan. I called the lameoid and said “I’m breaking up with you.” When he asked why, I said, “’Cause you’re boring and annoying.” The best part was that he called Debbie right after and was all like, “Am I boring? Am I annoying?” He’s been traumatized ever after and that is fucking awesome.

Rule #1: Have Lots of Sex (before marriage and in general).

Damage those goods! I can’t stress this enuff. Act like you’re majoring in ass and the world is your college. Do a little travel abroad if you can and if you can’t make sure you try all the local flavors available to you. If you like nice guys or gals try an asshole or a bitch every once in a while and vice versa. Ladies, sometimes those sweet boys turn into tigers when you turn off the light. I should know. Once you’ve found that special someone to focus on, step it up double time. Push your boundaries.