coconut grove
design district
downtown
hollywood
key biscayne
liberty city
little haiti
miami beach
miami river district
sofi
south miami/coral gables
wynwood
COCONUT GROVE
BARRACUDA BAR
3035 Fuller St., Miami. - 305-448-1144
Besides being the bar college boozers graduate to, it's one of the only Grove beer holes where the music isn't shite and the dudes and broads can equally get some or do their lonesome, lots of classic rock and the like. You know the drill: pitchers spilling a bit on hats, pool table in the back, cautionary darts, kids stacking pyramids, loyal clientele never quoting Chappelle.
FLAVOUR
2895 McFarlane Rd., Coconut Grove. - 305-445-6511 - www.flavourcg.com
Some names connote such "fab" color schemes that you toss before getting there. Your call, but on your way stumbling over, say the name four times and imagine sloping down the "U." It's really quite "fun."
MR. MOE'S
3131 Commodore Plz., Miami. - 305-442-1114
A sort-of-swank lodge all of UM inhabits, complete with romp-y "juniors" doing their karaoke thing. And yeah, the Crocodile Dundee of the MIA (oh, but dude is so much more), Manny Puig, (like the nasal-plagued dog?) is there to gaff that girl you're X-ray-spec'ing like an over-gelled shrimp. Dude's there like every night, necklace of teeth (bear, shark, bearshark?), check, all camo'd out, check, catchin' point-and-shoot flashes from the froshes and check. While on line for some flick at Sunset Place, dude just walked through the entire theatre and out the door. I didn't really get it. He's cool though, especially when he's in the Grove. Manny Puig.
MURPHY'S
(RIP) Packed it in circa three years ago along with the original Groovy's Pizza (the essential for come-down munchies) when the Grove was, yes, even more Grove: the definitive UM bar, extremely naughty, debauched and unpredictable, bizonk frat wars on the patio, bouncers brought out the mace on occasion, hand jobs at the bar and stealing beers from the outside coolers were practically better than religion.
OXYGEN LOUNGE
2911 Grand Ave., Coconut Grove. - 305-476-0202 - www.oxygenlounge.biz
Pitbull does what Pit does here, just "underground." Ugh. Debuted when the Grove was rumored (by Grovers) to be the next [SoBe]. All these chic-chic-not joints were opening like Home, about the same-time those oxygen bars were not blowing up. Were those really, really?
SANDBAR
3064 Grand Ave., Coconut Grove. - 305-444-5270 - www.sandbargrill.com
The last standing Bon Jovi appreciation bar in the world (Japan never counts). Somebody paused this shit and lost the remote (on purpose?), complete with White Trash Bashes.
TAVERN
3416 Main Hwy., Miami. - 305-447-3884
Where fresh-off-the-boat college kids get lampooned for a year or two, catching a few easily shocked-off STDs (chalk it off to experience). A formidable bar (with no liquor), the first freshman to get in with the door guy is "the first freshman to get in with the door guy." You can't be any geek off the street. Chocked to the gills year after year, the occasional get-off-the-side-walk-and-place-a-bet cat fights are great too. Beware the smoke shop next door after two pitchers to the inner-tube'd noodle. Kind of eeeval. What Tavern On the Green is to Central Park, Tavern In the Grove is to, so slow.
DESIGN DISTRICT
THE DISTRICT
35 NE 40th St., Miami Design District. - 305-576-7242
A cool wannabe Bohemian hangout in the Design District that attracts far more yuppies then Bohos. But hey, it's the thought that counts right? The owners of The District include Israeli real estate mogul Gil Terem, whose penchant for sleeveless shirts and snake skin pants have raised his fashionista status to cosmic levels not seen since Wild at Heart...and last-but-not-sleeveless Aramis Lorie of POPLIFE greatness. Drink specials are special, but the coming-of-age-almost intellectuals who flood the dance-floor at the tenth citation of "hollaback girl" provide the best entertainment.
GRASS
28 NE 40th St., Miami. - 305-573-3355 - www.grasslounge.com
When The District opened up across the street, this Mecca of set rich guys and the silicone-injected hookers who love them turned its snooty little nose at its competitor's easy door policy. Well Grass' too-exclusive-for-you marketing strategy has backfired: The place is as empty as it is overpriced. But the scenery is pleasant (very Saint-Tropezian).
SoHo LOUNGE
175-193 NE 36th St., Miami. - 305-576-1988 - www.soholoungemiami.com
Revolver left and went and pawned half its cred, but Revolver is the only reason why bands other than Triple A and Avenue D (god bless 'em) trek down here. The nomadic boys from SpiderPussy do their new-wave-rock-punk thing on Thursdays, no cover, no inflation, we dig that shit and obviously the young bloods are quite capable of keeping SoHo's Vice City aspirations electric.
DOWNTOWN
THE PAWN SHOP
1222 NE 2nd Ave., Miami. - 305-373-3511 - www.thepawnshoplounge.com
So yeah, the outside of the building is perfection, and seeing that school bus for the first time was okay and everything, but trying to get o-u-t of this place is worse than MIA on 9-12. Throw in skateboarders and it's like the place is just trying to imitate Hackers . Oh wow , James Murphy and P.Diddy drank Crystal together, cool, and then, dowah, Harmony Korine showed up in a Nuclear Assault tee and blew Vincent Gallo. Oozing. Pawn Shop is a set for a David LaChapelle video he never showed up for.
I/O LOUNGE
30 NE 14th St., Downtown Miami. - 305-358-8007 - www.iolounge.com
Of course, I/O is bringing down the better acts this year, and the respective gents and vixes of the POPLIFE la familia have put in w-o-r-k since Piccadilly. Respect! From MIA to Masta Killah to Kool Keith to Lansing-Dreiden to The Spam Allstars - total pinball wizardry. I/O was too real for Kelly Osbourne (500 bonus points). She went to Rok Bar instead (1000 continues).
NOCTURNAL
50 NE 11 th St., Miami. - 1-877-258-2847 - www.nocturnalmiami.com
Still sleeping, eh? But if this galactic pipe dream ever manages to awaken from its slumber and fulfill its bigger-dick propensity, it's automatically Club Hell from Bad Boys , and suddenly Miami goes Michael-Bay-Miami-as-Vegas. Front doors tailored for Hummers? WTF!
SPACE
34 NE 11th St., Miami. - 305-375-0001 - www.clubspace.com
A planetarium with planets for drugs, as planets, as seen from Europe, or one of those islands of hedonism that you need a Wonka gene to get onto. Anything to diversify the beach, so more power to Space - but what happens if Nocturnal eclipses them, only to be shown up by Cosmos? It's like clubland Monopoly with ecstasy for monocles.
HOLLYWOOD
PANGEA
5711 Seminole Way, Hollywood. - www.seminolehardrockhollywood.com
This 24-hour dance club is located on Indian land at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, and it might or might not be on an Indian burial ground. Legend has it the tribe forgot where they buried a group of crunk Tantos a few decades back. The crowd here ventures from sauced Broward rednecks to coked-up South Beach ex-patriots wandering around with an empty gleam in their great white eyes 'til way past the break of day. Don't bitch about the $20 cover there (do it right now) so you don't end up saying, "But I'm two-percent Cherokee!" Oh, and one of the owners, which we won't name 'til we get more than two badass lawyers, has put so much cocaine up his nose he now has to ingest it through his mouth. Oh, the depravity.
KEY BISCAYNE
BAYSIDE HUT
3501 Rickenbacker Cswy., Key Biscayne. - 305-361-0808
Rowdy, hidden biker bar where Kulcha Shok (that's a craaaaazy sticker campaign they got goin' on) does the white dread thing. Rumored to be the bar-type setting for a lot of nearby coke-runner history in the early '80s.
HOUSE
(RIP) The one that got away, whether it was The Cactus or House, this place was one third Corey Hart, a third Tony Montana, and a third tiki-god dream (oh, that pool). A perfect meandering layout to keep on an incognito tip during psycho-ex-phase, or to make-out with a psycho ex. Nifty bar hut in the back, stairway columns, and were those marble floors? Does no one believe in charity?
SCORES
17450 Biscayne Blvd., North Miami Beach. - 305-945-6030 - www.scoresmiami.com
The upscale strip joint Howard Stern loves to plug and plug just popped off in Key Biscayne (and Lauderdale) and it looks expectedly pro and fitting: surrounded by palms, furnished in plush negra panther-y velvet, place looks like a sleek jungle sanctum. Kira, you get my dollar (a fiver).
LITTLE HAITI
CHURCHILL'S HIDEAWAY
5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami. - 305-757-1807 - www.churchillspub.com
When Miami goes underwater in 20 years, people will still be doing Irish Car Bombs, ravaging the Shepard's Pie, and listening to lifer Dave Daniels dismiss the Sex Pistols - fucking underwater. Good times, it has a soul.
MIAMI BEACH
AUTOMATIC SLIM'S
1216 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-695-8476
With one of the more quoted and overly reprinted M.O.'s on the beach, Automatic Slim's also shouts incessantly that it's "the original Rok Bar." Okay Slim, got it. Haven't peeped the Fort Lauderdale sibling, but, while it's not half as badass as it brags to be, this moderately small venue brings in catches and keeps 'em there until they're giving a little table dance. Truth in advertising (for the beach).
b.e.d
929 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-532-9070 - www.bedmiami.com
How Lil' Jon didn't get in is the fluff of legend, but for a date not in the know or just a real person, this can easily turn into a cool spot for dinner and swooning. The "cuisine" is micro-dot orgasmic; as for the party mode, it seems to blend in after an Incredible Hulk or a few Speedballs, and by then you're back at someone's crib doing something better with better music. Make sure that real person pays for the "cuisine" though.
BUCK 15
707 Lincoln Lane, Miami Beach. - 305-538-3815 - www.buck15.com
Wait, why is their web site so damn ugly? From the pragmatic New Yorkers behind APT, Buck 15 is a rowdy hipster den and the music can be incredibly focused on the right nite. Then again, they have what-the-fuck stuff like Obey skateboards and Dunks, or some sneaks close enough to Dunks, in glass cases, like hipster gold they've over dipped in that new hipster gold you don't know about (which is good). But that's New York right? So it's not self-hating. Choice loft-like locale though, hovering above Miss Yip.
CAFETERIA
546 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach. - 305-672-3663
This place is the Zima of the beach. It's like walking through a mirror and walking out with a slight metallic shimmer. And Italian disco never really took off to boot (it's a Versace).
CHAMBER LOUNGE
2940 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-673-0338
Fall down the staircase and bounce on every step on the way down and you'll be prepped and most likely look like a bartender's cousin here. Walking in the place feels like walking into the last bar you'll ever go to, that is if you plan on spending the rest of your drunken life trying to get a personalized bar stool...
CLEVELANDER
1020 Ocean Dr., Miami Beach. - 305-531-3485 - www.cleavelander.com
No one who lives in Miami will ever be found on the premises willingly. Some interesting history though, back in the Liquid/Paciello heyday, and there's the whole Scarface conec next door.
CLUB DEEP
621 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-532-1509
Lots of rap heads call this place home. Jim Jones did a show here once I think, but after four a.m. I just took a poster off the barricade outside and went home shoulders drooped, not exactly surprised or pissed (not having to put up $30 helped).
THE CREEK HOTEL
2360 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-926-0741 - www.thecreeksouthbeach.com
Hmmm, this hotel was a hotspot during WMC '03, then rumor has it some noise ordinance pressure turned down the buzz to a low tropical hum. A bit far down the beach for "vibes," but for a hostel: maximum novelty - would def be fun to trash a few of those customized rooms at this Pelican Hotel-gone-skid row. The poolside bar is stocked and the bartenders treat everyone like equal clientele. Remember how Miami came off in Bad Santa minus the Thorton-drama and the midget killer? It's like that, you want to come here in a tropical shirt unbuttoned, belly out, and get wasted wasted wasted and go walk around, but just kick it in a beater instead.
CROBAR
1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. -305-531-5027 - www.crobar.com
It's the only actual dance club on South Beach that makes any attempt to book verified dance music DJs of the headline-worthy variety: Sasha, Fatboy Slim, and Armand Van Helden (ed. note: Humberto, is this one of your old listings?).The only problem with it, aside from ridiculous cover charges (even when they don't book big names), is the sea of glow stick maneuvering e-brahs you must wade through to get a watered-down drink at the bar from a bartender who ignores you for the most part.
DELANO HOTEL
1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-674-6400 - www.delanohotelmiamibeach.com
Gotham-like Ian Schrager joint, the grand entrance alone is what all of South Beach wants to be. This place only goes off during Art Basel and Winter Music Conference. Meant for telling dates out of your league that you stayed there when your apartment was bombed for roaches. If you made it this far into the magazine, you probably have no business being here.
FELT
1242 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-531-2114
A straight-up pool hall, not a bad one at that, but for some reason New Times did some steroid hype on this spot and ever since, everyone's been like [checking the sign out front].
JAZID
1342 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-673-9372
Do you want to see the Spam Allstars play every week? Okay good, but after a month forget it, you're either an Allstar or dating Suenalo Sound System. Jazid is cramped like some chick giving birth to a C.H.U.D., a lot of people head upstairs. That lawyer from Carlito's Way -what a maniac - he practically has an office up there. I care to mention, mainly because it's too small to fit big tittied bitches in there. Dabs to the Allstars, they roll deep but are so on point they can do their funk in an elevator. Going up?
LAUNDRY BAR
721 Lincoln Lane, South Beach. - 305-531-7700
Feeling a little gay or a trifle Balki Bartomokous? Then head to the centerpiece of South Beach's dead-alive gay scene. Buxom boys and brawny chicks gently hammer home the homo-eroticism while clothes are cleaned and cleaned in actual laundromats posted against the wall. Kind of convenient, knowwhaddamean?
LIQUID
(RIP) It was the centerpiece of South Beach's renaissance. And the reason all the decadence of the late '90s came crashing down in waves of pills and powder. This is the place that introduced designer drugs and progressive dance music to obnoxious frat boys, and brought celebrities down to submerge in nothing but depraved Dramamine. Behind it all was a real-life wannabe-turned-really-real gangsta, Chris Paciello, "The Binger," who was quoted as saying he could run South Beach easy because it was "full of pussies." But when Paciello entered FBI witness protection for a stupid, stupid burglary-gone-bad with some Strong Island friends (re: murder), the landmark nightclub was left to his dimwitted, but intriguingly beautiful partner, Ingrid Casares. You've seen her name a-plenty in the OD and LRM , better known for tonguing Madonna's clit than she is for her business acumen.Today, Liquid is just another piece of South Beach lore, but definitely worth looking back on. (ed. note: if you haven't read Clubland by Frank Owen, you should be ashamed).
LIQUOR LOUNGE
1560 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-788-9343
I don't know an empty soul who's gone here since SpiderPussy daddy-long-legged it across the causeway, but there was this guy who was always there, kook impersonates Keith Richards 24-7. And people bought it - that's how cool people are in Miami. Keith Richards is sitting alone sipping a Bud - and everyone's all "Is that Keith Richards? When's the deejay going to play 'H.O.J.L.'?" I think The Miami Herald actually reported Keith Richards was at the opening of Pawn Shop Lounge, passed out off Rx, and had to be carried out. At first, I was like, gggggrrrrr, why didn't I pop some Strattera and force myself out there to hear Paris blow out her bulb, I'm losing my edge. But then a Jewish voice was all, "Ahhhhh hah. Ahhhhh hah." It was Eddie Murphy from Coming to America . Stupid Herald.
LOUNGE 16
423 16th St., Miami Beach. - 305-788-9343
An itsy nook on Washington, formerly the home of SpiderPussy (but who isn't)? Caught Avenue D. there during M3, the sound was like something out an Italian horror film or, scratch, screech, Scanners . The entire time I'm thinking that I'll end up like that cartoony 'stached beret'd roadie on the early '90s P.S.A. because of "Do I Look Like a Slut?" Homeless Dude: sell earplugs outside of this place (but they have to be legit, not leftover tinfoil).
MAC'S CLUB DEUCE
222 14th St., Miami Beach. - 305-531-6200
A well-regarded macho dive for ass-kickers and their hard-drinking women (or men) to hide from the heat (among other people and things). Johnny Knoxville and that crew are real big on this place, and with a jukebox loaded with the rawest cuts on the beach and door personnel that kicks the cologne out of all the Euro-flamboyance you can sift through on a bad weekend, that's a tasty meatball. But what the fuck, $5 Budweisers? Oooookay, man, I was just fucking kidding. A Grub-most burrito joint is directly across the street.
MANSION
1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-532-4605 - www.mansionmiami.com
The epitome of a [enough adjectives to stash in a mansion] club. Hip-hop and house are the norm with some of the beaches' biggest DJs holding residency. Once in a while, you can catch proper NYC hip-hop shows like A Tribe Called Quest, The Roots [still falling off], De La Soul, and Mos Def [doing The Italian B-Job Deux ).
THE MARLIN
1200 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-604-5063 - www.marlinhotel.com
Recently upgraded on the hotel front, digs still look like Flight of the Navigator and yeah, yeah you know U2 filmed a video there. Comfy mirror-room past the bar is a Miami staple, for obvious reasons. Music is on the worldly juice, with Goodfoot Tuesdays and Sunday reggae digging deep for that exotic good good.
MYNT "ULTRA LOUNGE"
1921 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. - 786-276-6132
If you absolutely need to get a load of celebridom, or have an itch to act a snob via VIP table (for a hella VIP price), then wait in the crowd for an hour in front of this little green giant of a lounge. Tip: vie for the doorman's attention by attempting a French accent. When you finagle your way inside, the aromatherapy pumped through the vents and the lime light might make you feel warm and cuddly inside, at least until you try to strike up a conversation with one of the Euro-trashy patrons, most of whom have the depth of a pissed-in kiddie pool.
NERVE
(RIP) And good riddance. Did the Beach even need another plastic dance club posing as a hip "alternative" for the deep-pocketed? This place may have been onto something (e.g., a high concept of ripping apart and completely refurbishing the interior from month to month, the comic aesthetic of the party flyers), but nothing happened, besides the usual over-hype, followed by its Shiavo-like demise. We're waiting for mice-in-a-bar-top to make a comeback like Marcel (fuck that show).
NIKKI BEACH CLUB
1 Ocean Dr., Miami Beach. - 305-538-1111 - www.nikkibeach.com
We're going to have a tee-pee party tonite ('cause it's on public property, get it?).
Most blatant look-the-other way misuse of public land in Dade, besides Santa's Enchanted Forest. No x-mas trees here - just beachfront teepees stowing drunken 40-year old women who equate wearing too many sequins with the vitality of lost youth (and the occasional Tony Hawk, I heard legend was waay busy making out with his assistant.) At least the place doesn't serve up the blind baby sea turtles as hors d'oeuvres ...or do they?!!
OPIUM GARDEN
136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-531-5535 - www.opiummiami.com
The premier top-40 hip hop club in Miami. If you're into Mansion, ladies, you'll tap your Cavallis to this. It's difficult to get into, as the doormen put the five-yard-stare on everyone for five minutes, but they're still smirk-y about it. Always jumpin' off with hotties and players who are totally unscruffed, including the G.O.D-holmes Joey Crack. Drop some kind of French name online and it might penny-up your stock, same as Mynt (same as most of these Beach spots). If you don't have a table and a bottle here you probably won't get laid. Bring your gat, 'cause fights occur on the reg, it can get tense with one drop of Mobb Deep.
PRIVE (uh oh, where's the accent mark?)
136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-531-5535
This "privy" lounge complements the premier top 40 hip-hop club in Miami. Ladies, if you're into Opium, you'll love this. It's kind of hard - scratch that - like, know one guido with a conec of a conec, and that's it. Fat Joe is to Opium what Paris is to Prive (why have none of those 50 billboards been tagged with big dinks?).
PURDY LOUNGE
1811 Purdy Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-531-4622 - www.purdylounge.com
Pool tables, shadesville lighting, discrete screening room with a red-orange sunset motif, High Lifes for days: all good right? But then you come home the next morning to your chosen one smelling like you took a Turkish bath in cigarettes, accidentally fell down a sewer and had to crawl through a pipe of mildew with a lighter that singed your cuff on some Shawshank John McClane shit detail. Still ripped off bloody marys, you're like, "I was with Kelly." You're out the apartment and to Laundry Bar you go for a couple cycles and to further drink away your idiotism.
ROK BAR
1805 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. 305-538-7171. www.rokbarmiami.com
Worst Fucking Bar Ever Invented. The second week this was open, Ussssher was being pumped out the front doors, while two T-bones in faux-Teflon vests with "Rok Bar" actually embroidered on them snarled and "made calls" - fuck this place: we got a funny photo, got some 32s, rode out and put on the The Stooges' Funhouse. Wait, some celeb-gawker, confirm that Iggy's not up in there with Tommy Lee, pretty please.
RUMI
330 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach. - 305-531-7406
Rumi seems exclusive because its doormen think they're working for the next State. Anyway, rather then bash on its neighbor, let's get back to this two-story cheeky chic restra-lounge. What you need to know: its owner, Alan Roth, is a self-proclaimed rocker (the obligatory name-initial tattoos grace his arms), so if you see him, ask about the wack-ass progressive house they play until midnight, when diners depart, because by the time the DJ is cued to play Billy Idol tracks, you'll be dancing with yourself.
SKYBAR
The Shore Club, 1901 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-695-3100 - www.shoreclub.com/skybar
A semi-stiff door policy and pricy libations (it is Shore Club), but the center walls are all flashlight-to-heart glow and the shimmery beads cover the rest, as if some Brazilian porn-star is going to walk right out of them. It all morphs into this enjoyably dizzy feeling that gets the jetsetters and a few down-ass motleys dancing like an all-nite privy party to some of the most colorful, creative cereal mixes in Miami courtesy of ignore contributor DJ Tommy Ryk - MIA to Axl to Peedi Crack to Beach Boys' "California Girls." If you get in, you'll fit in.
TED'S HIDEAWAY
124 2nd St., Miami Beach. - 305-532-9869
Near enough to the beach to soak up all the sea scum. Pluses, there are enough bros there on a weekend to satisfy all the bro-ing down you'll need for the next three years. I guess there are girls there, but a third of them are serving you drinks and as for the rest of the girl pie, well that's what you'll need the other two girls for.
THE ABBEY
1115 16th St., Miami Beach. - 305-538-8110
This authentic hole-in-the-wall microbrewery on the Beach is a true beer lover's sanctuary. Guzzle the season's best while cracking up that starry-eyed sweetheart who lives next door on Jefferson. Bottoms up and relax like the blithe monk depicted in the glowing stained glass piece behind the bar (and he's seen it all, don't worry.).
THE DRINK
841 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-673-0429
Is it me or does anything resembling black lights in clubs just scare the 15-year old out of you, until s/he is holding your hand as it trembles to the industrial grinds, looking up at the dancing muscleman from The Lost Boys sans saxophone, like "What would mom think?"
THE FORGE
432 Arthur Godfrey Rd., Miami Beach. - 305-538-8533
Most of the men at this rustic-cum-gaud five-star steakhouse and bar arrive straight out of David Chase's casting office. The owners are Al and Shareef Malnik, a father/son team as notorious as they come. The elder Malnik, Al, was the reputed accountant for old school mobster Meyer Lansky, and he is the loan-sharking financier who came to a bankrupt Michael Jackson's aid last year. Son Shareef is more of a man about town and he usually brings his fare share of fame and fortune to his table such as Jamie Foxx, Michael Mann, and the Hiltons. If you ever make your way into this lair of formerly-organized crime, take mad bills, because aside from the gold-digging femme fatale element, who won't talk to you for less than a round of shots and a slip of a Benjamin, the FBI might be keeping tabs on bar tabs. (ed note: who is not counting boobs on the beach until Miami Vice in 2006?).
VAN DYKE'S JAZZ ROOM
846 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach. - 305-534-360
Skulking upstairs from the Lincoln Road bistro below, red hues pillow the eyes and a touch of class allows a reprieve from the vacuous, cookie-cutter, svelte girl-on-bike boulevard where this swingin' venue is located. Plus, this is one of the only proper jazz joints in Miami-Dade (sad, isn't it?). You'll dig some fine musicians here, local and national, but bad news to the Colonel Mustards looking to pack a tasty briar pipe: no smoking allowed.
MIAMI RIVER DISTRICT
STUDIO RIO
528 NW 7 Ave., Miami River District. - 305-305-7523 - www.studiorio.com
Out in the cut (need glasses?), and so far only Etnies has utilized this spot for a primo banquet. ignore plans on doing said primo banquet sometime soon, those b-ball wood floors need green plastic cups and assorted butts dotting them like the high school dance where Principle Bill Hicks is running the train on cheerleaders and Goth-girls behind the stands.
SOFI (miami beach)
THE ROOM
1st St., Miami Beach. (B/T Washington & Collins) - 305-531-6061
Bring your tightest black tee shirt and a handful of pomade. Men will buy men drinks here on a totally hetero level if you rock proper gear (I swear, those three Chimays cost me nothing in flesh). Tiny - a capacity of 20 is perfect with usually around three or four people looking in the opposite direction when you walk in. Belgium beers and Beasties make this the top spot on the beach right now (Lesley Abravanel from The Velvet Underground goes here and she hasn't aged a bit).
SoFi LOUNGE
423 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. - 305-532-4444 - www.sofilounge.com
Here's the spill, SoFi Lounge has mister dibbs on the last remaining all-nite liquor license south of Fifth, which, yep, is booming right now and for many tomorrows. A flock of models, vacationing FIT hipster vixens, skate crews, the usual brews, and free tacos makes for some madness on the late night.
SOUTH MIAMI / CORAL GABLES
BOUGAINVILLEA'S OLD FLORIDA TAVERN
7221 SW 58 th Ave., South Miami. - 305-669-8577
The location is off-putting in a pleasant way, like a foggy little tavern on a bayou surrounded by the commerce of Sunset Place mall. Sounds gross, but Bougainvilleas has a neighborhood feel all its own for the Gables. Cliché, but all the waitresses get better with another, but won't go home with you. Somehow they cram bands in there, nothing spectacular, mostly straight laced whitey stuff, and somehow all that shit shelved near the ceiling doesn't move an inch (cuz girl I watched it).
BILTMORE BAR
The Biltmore Hotel, 1200 Anastasia Ave., Coral Gables. - 305-445-1926 - www.biltmorehotel.com
Those ornate patterns your eyes keep drifting towards aren't wallpaper, kid (how'd you get in?); that'd be too tacky. It's fuckin' carved wood. You might not notice, but it's the little things that count here.
CLIQUE
1250 Coral Way, Miami. - 305-860-5360
Vibrator Wednesdays bring punk, electro and funk to Coral Way. Those Pac Man pellets your car is chomping on the drive there are called ellipses.
FOX'S SHERRON INN
6030 S. Dixie Hwy., South Miami. - 305-666-2230
The first time I went to Fox's was on a random trip to cop a bottle of Jack at the very cool pick-up window. The place is officially called Fox's Sherron Inn, so I automatically presumed it was a sleazy motel (it has that look down) and as I was wondering if dude was going to card me, my eyes rolled back when my freshmen-year English professor at UM walked in all discrete-like. Only a year or two later did I actually go in the place: it's kind of an imitation Bukowski bar, with red bulbs for lighting and "Cryiiiiiin'" playing twice-to-four times an hour. Weird ass painting of a silhouetted airplane against a fiery sky is still up. Tiny hamburgers, 2-for-1Tuesdays and working class, half-tipsy waitresses are the norm of norms.
FRITZ & FRANZ BIERHAUS
60 Merrick Way, Coral Gables. - 305-774-1883 - www.bierhaus.cc
Fritz & Frantz serves the whole schnitzel/sauerkraut/knockwurst gastronomy with one liter Warsteiners and oompah bands on the speakers to keep the revelers happy, but it's liquefied by its Gables suburban quasi-chic look. Though you can catch some stompin' blues on certain nights, this joint mostly caters to white-collar bores. A grittier, beer-reeking watering hole packed with gruff club soccer hooligans and boozehounds would have done the job (Ed. Note: ummm, see Churchill's).
RATHSKELLAR
1330 Miller Dr., Coral Gables. - 305-284-6310 - www.miami.edu/rathskellar
Are you fucking kidding me? Does anyone actually go to a bar on a college campus to fucking drink? If all you wear are flip flops, lacrosse shorts and a look on your face that tells me I should never talk to you other than to ask you to move the fuck out of my way, then this is your spot. I've stolen gallons of Cherry Coke from their fountain and still have nothing good to say about the place.
STAMPEDE BAR
2035 SW 67th Ave., Miami. - 305-264-0435 - www.stampedebarmiami.com
Some might call it the Club Deuce of southwest Miami, but Stampede has an ass-kicker history all its own and, unlike Deuce, the brews come cheap one after another. The new management is really top notch and knows your name, and the knockout wings come off an unobtrusive grill. Just get a stool, grab a beer, watch some football, stop being a pussy, and bring a woman. She'll curl up next to you and if you're lucky, be up for some Cream on karaoke night. She's a keeper, and if not, Stampede'll be there for ya.
THE BAR
172 Giralda Ave., Coral Gables. - 305-442-2730
If you want to live the phrase "business casual" or work at Crispin Porter, this is the spot for you. All wood and some of the shit's good. They've got Tucher on tap and no one else does, plus free hot wings once a week. If you're in the Gables and entertaining a couple writers from Coral Gables Living (is that even still around??), this is all they need to know about Miami. Bring your new business card (no Kinkos cheapos, the girls will not be impressed).
TOBACCO ROAD
626 S. Miami Ave., Miami. - 305-374-1198
Crosby Stills and Hippie Snatch.
WYNWOOD
EL BAJAREQUE BAR
278 NW 36th St., Wynwood. - 305-576-0349
Walk out of Damien B.'s gallery and take four steps to the right. El Bajareque Bar is a bit like a nitrous-filled piñata. Beers are two bucks. Something about this place just makes me smile (probably all the free Citron-mixers next door, but still).
THE W.A.D.
(RIP) A warehouse run by Marc and Blue Solomon, (the restauranteurs of the now-closed Supper in the Design District and the new Yage in Key Biscayne), across from the Fredric Snitzer Gallery. Private parties only, complete with video projector known to get a bit lewd.